Saturday, August 9, 2014

We Black Women and Our Man Crisis

From my observation, I'd say there are 3 kinds of women...

The Feminists
These women, (whether they think of themselves as feminists or not), are the one group of women who will look at men in general and say "C'mon son!  You know you can do better!"  These are women after my own heart intellectually. 

The Coddlers
If you try to hold a black man responsible for his own actions, or for something he did wrong, these women will swoop down from on high and claw your eyes out.  They will then proceed to make excuses for said man, and will lastly find a woman to blame for his actions.  You can set your watch by it.  You KNOW what kind of sons they are raising at home.  Also known on Facebook as Handmaidens.

The Magical Sisters
These women don't give a damn about feminism, equality, or what's fair.  They only care about what works.  They have observed men in real life long enough to know how they function, and what works with them.  Either that, or they have received wisdom passed down from a long line of women that know how to successfully deal with men.  They could almost be coddlers in the way that they sometimes cater to men, but they usually do it as a fair exchange with their man, or towards an end.  For example, if they want their man to come home at night and take care of his family, they make an effort to do the things that make him want to come home.

Once, I knew an "magical sister" from Trinidad.  A mutual friend of ours had a skin problem, and she knew some home remedies that could help take care of it.  Now, this was not even her man, but she lovingly attended to his skin in a way most people would have shied away from.  As she did it, she looked at me and said in that accent of hers, "You know, men are like children."  Meanwhile, dude just sat there grinning.  He then pointed to her and told me that she knew how to treat a man.

Now, if anybody compared me to a child I'd be pissed, letting them know I'm a grown-ass woman.  But not him.  And I bet for those men who would be offended, she would somehow know not to say that about them.  The "magical sister" knows what works, and not just in a general way, either.  She knows how to find the key to what makes any man tick. 

Now, I don't think we should have to be magical sisters.  I want to argue and yell at the men to "man up" and do right all by themselves, but how can I argue with success?  So while the feminists have approval in my head, the "magical sisters" have admiration from my heart.

In all the things I have learned about Afrikan people, I find that this is just our way.  We are not given to loads of theories like European people are, and they used to put us down because of this.  Rather, we are geared towards real life...what works.  Anything less, and you spend your time chasing your own tail in failure.

You know what else?  Do you remember Shahrazad Ali who wrote The Blackman's Guide to Understand the Blackwoman back in the 80's?  Remember there was so much controversy, because many found her to be truthful, while others did not? 

Well I think she was going for being a "magical sister".  I could kinda tell she didn't buy all of her own spiel.  But I think she was trying to tell black women that if we did the things she recommended, we could start having better results with our men.  I remember her pleading that our men were beating us and killing us so taking a little slap from time to time would be better in comparison. 
I think her religion is one of the things that kept her perspective from being more balanced and more realistic, but I think the "magical sister" way of doing things is what she was trying to preach, albeit not quite successfully.

I'm writing all of this because we all have our ways.  Some of us are intellectuals and philosophers and we find ourselves gravitating towards feminism, Dark Goddess philosophy, being free spirits or rebels.  Some of us are coddlers, or womanists, or followers of the crowd.

But the way of our ancestors at it's foundation is to allign ourselves with reality, and with what works.  That's the way to a successful life.

So if we have talked our way, thought our way, or followed our way into something that is not working for us but has become our comfort zone, maybe it's time to consider re-examining what we are doing.  The best way I know is for us to dialogue with one another and compare notes.

Below is an example of someone I consider to be a "magical sister".  She believes in catering to her man, but she is more balanced that Shahrazad Ali because what she does is not to her detriment.

Notice that she never says women can't do the things they want to do, or that they shouldn't, or that they should be a doormat.  Notice also where she gets her info from...from observation of real life and what works.  Notice that she says if your man is acting out all wrong that this video's advice is not for you, and so on.

See what you think, and let me know.


  1. Love are spot on with this one. I'm not a coddler...think I have been 70 percent feminist and 25 percent Magical! LOL...and right now I am - on the shelf under construction!!!

  2. Lol @Kat Tee me too! Old as I am, I am still finding my way. But that magical sister stuff was always there. I keep finding that the ancient wisdom, including the old timey stuff from our grandmama and them is often what works.

  3. Our man crisis? Girl, they are the ones with the crisis. Every other race of men has a system in place on how they would protect their women and children.

    1. I know that's right, and that's what I'm saying. What other woman has to go on the radio listening to herself being called bitch and 'ho? And would you even tell the young girls of the next generation that they for sure will have stable families?

      But their crisis IS our crisis because we are tied together at the hip.

    2. We are all linked on this planet, I happened to know that our young women are going through hell and back right now with our men. It's not fair, but we cannot let them block our blessings by dwelling on their crisis.They are either with us or against us.

  4. Again, it's not THEIR crisis, but ours. We give birth, there's a male, and we are connected to him. Our problem. The males are out of balance? They become dangerous. So in our neighborhoods there are rapes, murders, drugs and everything. OUR problem. Our daughters want someone to marry, and they may not want to go the white boy way, so they are unhappy. OUR problem. We are one.

    I like feminism because it makes me feel better. It's the one ideology where I get to bitch at the men and call them to the carpet en masse for what they do wrong instead of glossing over it.

    It's just that it doesn't change things. It doesn't make them behave. In fact, just the opposite. They see us even more as adversaries. And as the rift gets larger, I am more unhappy. This is not what I wanted. The joy of screaming on them and abandoning them was fleeting. My arm pained me, I cut it off, but it's just that I really miss it.